, , ,

Since December 19th I have been overwhelmed with unimaginable grief and sadness. Experiencing the loss of a child has left an emptiness in my heart that will never be filled. It doesn’t matter that my child was an adult; she was and will always be my baby girl. I have cried and continue to cry oceans of tears. Memories, places, songs are some of the triggers; there are many more. It is so hard to accept that our Jennifer is gone. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. Parents should not outlive their children. I have always had a strong faith in God. My faith has been tested since December 19th. I’ve asked “why” a million times. I offered to take her place a million times but that wasn’t God’s plan. I know that her mansion with her oceanfront porch was ready so it was time for her to go. She is healed now and for that I rejoice. I firmly believe that. I rejoice and at the same time I am so sad. The “what ifs, the I should haves” won’t stop. I can’t get the cobwebs out of my head. I’m grateful for the time we had Jennifer with us. Her laugh, her smile, her love for others especially her family and Doug, whom she loved so deeply will never be forgotten. Those memories are forever in my heart. She loved Wesley so much and I know that she is his guardian angel now. Rob and I had 4 perfect children – Robert, Caitlin, Jennifer and Doug. We still have 4 perfect children but God needed Jennifer. I imagine that she is in charge of the little children because she loved children so much and all she ever wanted to do was to be a wife and a mommy. God knew that she would be perfect for that job.
Without our church family, it would be easy to sink deeper into despair. There is so much love shown for each other in our church. This love has helped me so much when my faith was weak. As we sat beside Jennifer in the hospital, a dear friend suggested that I look for angels; those without wings for they would bring peace and comfort. She was right. There were angels among us every day giving hugs, a shoulder to cry on, bringing food, saying prayers, or just being there offering support in so many ways. Even now the angels continue to surround us. It wasn’t a passing thing…I know that in time, my ability to function without tears will improve. I know that in time, the numbness will lessen and the joy for every day and everything will return.
My family is so precious to me. I love them with every breath that I take. It’s easy to wait until tomorrow to call; it’s easy to “do this first and then I’ll get to it” but that is the mistake many of us make. The opportunity to spend that special time with your family member may be snatched up; the opportunity to say “I love you” may not happen. Don’t text. If you can’t talk to someone, leave a voicemail and keep that voicemail. How I wish Jennifer and I had not texted so much. How I long to hear her voice. The little things become big things all of a sudden. Don’t be in a hurry. Soak in every minute you have with those you love. Make memories and then make some more. Family is the most important thing in the world. Nothing else comes close. I love you Rob, Robert, Caitlin, Wesley, Jennifer and Doug with all of my heart. Forever and always.