I still cry. A lot. For no reason or when something triggers a memory or somethng. There is no particular rhyme or reason; it just happens.

In the midst of all of my sorrow and tears, I am also blessed beyond measure. I have a wonderful husband who has been my rock for almost 43 years now. Without him I am nothing. Our son is my voice of reason so many times. He is my free spirit, my frequent confidante and he makes me laugh when I don’t think there is any laughter left in me. He is a great dad because he has a great role model from which to learn. He has demonstrated strength and maturity beyond his years in the past several weeks. He hurts, too; I know he does, but he tries to be strong for me and for his dad. I love him with every breath that I take. I have said almost from first glance that Caitlin was sent to Robert by the angels. We love her so much. She is beautiful, smart, creative and a wonderful wife and amazing mom to Wesley. Wesley has always had our heart but now he is also our life saver. To see him run to us, hug us around the legs and say “Hi, Papa” or “Hi, Namma” (he can’t say Gamma yet and that is quite ok), is the best medicine ever. His innocence, his wonder of everything around him, his love of books, his smile and laughter…I could go on and on but you probably get the picture. He is so precious to us. And there is Doug. We love him so much. I couldn’t love him more if I had given birth to him; the same is true of Caitlin. He had our Jennifer’s heart; she loved him so much and he loved her. He was also sent to Jennifer by the angels. He is and always will be a part of our family; he will always be loved more than he could ever imagine.

I know that there will always be tears; there will always be “what ifs and if only”, but I also know that as long as we have the love of our family and the love of our friends, we will somehow get through this never-ending nightmare.

I know that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle but at times I sure feel like the end of my rope is about to break. It is then that I remember Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” , Psalms 46:1 – “God is our refuge and strength…” and Matthew 5:4 –  “Blessed are those who mourn,  for they will be comforted.”

image