It’s 2am and sleep eludes me. I try to sleep but the tears won’t stop. I hug your shirt trying to capture your smell on your clothes but I’m afraid my tears have already washed it away. Still I cling to it because it is the only thing I have that you wore the day you were admitted to the hospital. I wear the cross necklace that is filled with your ashes; I kiss your urn goodnight every night and I tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you. I talk to you and I cry out for you. In my heart I know that you are in a much better place and that you are filled with a joy unlike any that you experienced during your time on earth. In my heart that continues to break in even smaller pieces I can’t imagine a lifetime without you. I go about my daily business and put on a happy face but just beneath the surface I can hardly breathe. I can’t imagine a hurt any deeper than what I am experiencing now. Some days I think I can’t go on but I manage to do so because of Dad, Robert, Caitlin, Wesley and Doug. It is so hard, though. My phone doesn’t ring as much as it used to. Our daily texts no longer happen. I no longer hear your laugh when I’m telling you something silly or unbelievable. I no longer hear your simple reply, “bless”, when I’ve finished telling you that story. I no longer hear you say “I love you more” when we finish our conversation. Nothing is the same. Nothing at all.

i thank God everyday for Dad, Robert, Caitlin, Wesley and Doug. Without them I would have no reason for living. I love them all so very much; they are the only reason I get up in the morning and go about my daily routine. They are my future. They give me purpose. Like you, all I ever really wanted to do was to be a wife and a mommy. We prayed for a baby for 5 years and then you were born. You were the most beautiful baby ever. When Robert was born you were like a little mommy to him. I knew then what you were meant to be. I can only imagine that you are now taking care of Boyd and Jane’s babies and that you and Lachlan are playing tractors all the time. I know that your laughter and your smile brings endless joy to everyone you meet in Heaven. Your smile could light up a room and your laughter was infectious.

it’s so hard, baby, it’s so hard facing each day without you. Some days I don’t know how I made it through the day. You, Robert, Caitlin, Wesley, Doug and Dad are my life. I know you will always be in my heart but if I could only hold your hand, hug you, sing to you…I guess that is the purpose of dreams for it will be in my dreams that I will be able to do those things. Maybe one night soon sleep will come easier and I will be able to feel your presence around me once again. Until that happens I will continue to sleep with your shirt, kiss your urn good night every night and hold you ever so close in my heart. I love you and I miss you so much. Momimage