It is 3:45 a.m. and sleep just won’t come. I have tried to relax and go to sleep but my mind just won’t shut down. It feels like it is in turbo. So many things racing through my mind. So many questions. So many should’ve, could’ve, would’ve that will never be answered. So many memories flooding my mind; so many wishes that will never come true.
Nights like these are not uncommon for me now. I wish I could be like Rob and be asleep before my head hits the pillow, but someone has to try to solve the world’s problems. Might as well be me I suppose. If God had only put a rewind button on my head or if I could rewrite the script that we have all been following. If only…
So many times I have asked myself why didn’t I do this or that, why didn’t I recognize the subtle changes? Why didn’t I pay more attention to the world around me; the world in which only my family lives, a bubble of sorts. WHY???? This is such a short word but one that makes a powerful statement. It seems like the shortest words like “if”, “why”, “but”,etc. are the hardest words to accept. They are the words that are often associated with unpleasant circumstances. I don’t like some of the short words anymore. Hope and happiness don’t seem to follow these words, at least for me, for now.
Love is a short word, a powerful word. I like this word. I use it so many times throughout the day when talking to my family, my friends, or when I am just thinking. It can be a word that will bring pain but most of the time, the word “love” brings me much joy. I love my family dearly. I love my friends. Love hurts though when something traumatic happens to someone you love. Love can cause tremendous pain and loss. How can a word that brings so much joy also bring so much sorrow? How can one dare to love? How can one NOT love? From the very beginning there was love. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son…” John 3:16 is a perfect example of the joy and the pain that can accompany love. If God endured this, we should be able to do so. As a believer and follower of Christ, I know the love of God because I have experienced the love of God many, many times. I have also experienced the sorrow that sometimes accompanies love and that is the hard part; the part that causes me to ask questions, to wonder if I am being tested; to wonder if I will pass the test…
As difficult as life has been these past 4 months, I am trying to focus on the positive things instead of dwelling on the sadness that is in my heart and will always be in my heart. It’s not an easy thing to do, however. It is taking much energy to stay focused. So many times throughout the day I find myself getting teary and I imagine that will happen for a long, long time. So many times I want to cry out to God and ask the question, “WHY?” So many times I just want to roll over and not get out of bed. It is hard to put on my happy face most days. How can I be happy when my heart is broken? HOW? Another short word…😞
For all of the tears that I have cried, for all of the sleepless nights that I have endured and for all of the questions I have asked, the answer is simple. My family is the reason for my getting up every day. Rob, Robert, Caitlin, Doug and our precious grandson, Wesley, are what keeps me going. Of course our extended family and our church family are an important part of this puzzle but my family, the ones that I want to keep in a bubble are my motivation. There is no way that I will ever be able to tell them how much I love them because that word doesn’t exist. They will just have to believe me. When that word is discovered I know it won’t be a short word! It can’t be!
It is now 4:47 a.m. and still no sleep. I have rambled long enough. I hear the alarm clock in the bedroom and I hear Rob hitting the snooze button. I probably should go wake him. If I’m awake, why shouldn’t he be awake??
One last thought. Perhaps I will sleep well tonight; I certainly hope so.