Today is your birthday but it will be so different this year. I won’t be able to call you and sing “Happy Birthday” to you and hope that you can hear it over your laughter. There will be no family celebration and no mother-daughter day to do whatever you want to do. There will be no phone call from you asking me if I remember where I was this time 38 years ago. Nothing will ever be the same on October 29th again.

The day you were born, you looked like a little doll. Unlike most newborns, you weren’t born crying. You were born wide-eyed and sucking your thumb. You were already checking out this big old world. The crying would come later when you had the colic for 3 months.

Your dad was the proudest dad when Dr. Smith told him that he had a little girl. I can still see the look on his face and the love in his eyes the first time he held you. I only saw that look one other time and that was when your brother was born. We then had the perfect family.

As you grew up, you referred to your little brother as your big brother. You admired him so much and loved him even more. You also loved your two “other brothers”, Mark and Gregg. Your eyes would twinkle whenever you were around them and your infectious laughter could be heard above everyone else when you were with them.

When you met the love of your life, Doug, and became his wife, you were the most beautiful bride ever. You were glowing. It was so obvious that you adored Doug and you couldn’t wait to start a family. For as long as I can remember, all you ever really wanted to do was to be a wife and a mommy. You would have been a wonderful mommy, of that I have no doubt. Two, four, six….it couldn’t be an odd number of children, and for your dad and I, the more the better. Wesley and the new baby would have had plenty of cousins to play with and Robert and Caitlin would have been a great uncle and aunt. Doug, of course, would have been an awesome dad.

It wasn’t meant to be, though. I begged God to take me. I pleaded with Him. I would have sold my soul to the devil if it meant saving you. Obviously He needed you more although I can’t imagine how that could have been possible. A piece of me died with you and my heart will be forever broken. I believe, however, that God has you taking care of all of the babies in Heaven and how lucky they are. How lucky Lachlan is to have you play tractors with him. I know you love every one of the little angels because your heart was so full of love.

I pray everyday for a sign. I beg everyday for a sign. I hope every night that I will dream about you. Baby, I just want to hold you and hug you and tell you over and over how much I love you and miss you. There were so many things that I had wanted to do with you but now that can’t happen. The bond between a mother and her daughter is so different than the bond between a mother and her son. The love and admiration is the same. What is different is the way time is spent with a daughter or a son. Each one is precious and each one is a treasure, but I could never see your brother become excited to have an all-day shopping spree with me. Likewise, I just couldn’t imagine your being excited to make numerous trips to Lowes for a simple project or to see my face when stories of his college days would accidentally, sometimes on purpose, slip from his mouth or Scott’s or Mark’s…My love for you and for your brother could not be any stronger. The two of you were/are my reason for living.

I need you, honey. I need you to hold me up when I think I just am not going to make it. I need you to always be by my side; I just need you. I miss you more than words can ever express.

I love and your brother more than there are stars in the sky or grains of sand on the beach. I love you and your brother with every breath that I take. No one could love their children more. No one could love their daughter-in-law and son-in-law more than Dad and I love Caitlin and Doug. Wesley and the new baby are in a totally different realm.😉❤️

So for now I say Happy Birthday, honey. For each tear that I have shed while writing this, and for each tear that I have shed since December 19th, know that each tear is a kiss and a hug for you.

I love you,

Mommy