Today was a very emotional day for me at church. I thought I could do it but I couldn’t. The moment I saw the candles and the white roses was the beginning of the tears. I tried to control them; I really did. I failed though.

The past 10 1/2 months have been a daily struggle to smile, look happy and not cry. Most of the time I can get through the workday but not always. Someone will say something, a memory will come to me and then so do the tears. Sometimes it may be only a few tears and a lump in my throat. Other times, like today, the sobbing, the shoulders shaking and the feeling that my heart has been ripped out of my chest happens and there is nothing I can do until I am spent of all tears, at least for the time being.

“It is Well with My Soul” has always been a special song and it has always given me a sense of comfort and peace.  As beautiful as the song is, I’m not sure that I will be able to listen to it from now on without having a breakdown.  The hospice chaplain sang that to Jennifer the first time he came into her room and he sang it again on the day she died.  He had a beautiful voice, almost angelic, and his South African accent made the song even more beautiful.

I simply can’t imagine how someone without faith can get through each day, especially on days like today.  Having a church family who really cares about each other is a treasure not to be taken lightly. The hugs, the “I continue to pray for you and your family”,  our senior minister coming down to hold my hand during the most difficult time during today’s service…there can be no price put on moments like these.

Having Robert, Caitlin and Wesley with us at church today gave me comfort; just wish that Doug could have come. I love them so much and all that I do is for them.

Never would I have imagined that we would be active “participants” in All Saints Day. Parents shouldn’t outlive their children. It’s not supposed to be that way. It happens, though, and sadly, we are in a club that continues to grow. Sweet Mary and Walt lost Steve, Mary Beth and Charles miss Chuck so much, Tommy and Teresa lost Barry, Roger and Linda no longer have Lucia, and Wanda and Dan’s son, Brent, is an angel also. These are just a few of our friends who have exclusive membership into the club no one wants to be in. It’s just not right.

We miss you so much, Jennifer. We know where you are and that you are our guardian angel but what I would give for you to still be here. How I long to see your beautiful face, hear your laugh and your voice.

All Saints Day. A day that has now taken on a whole new meaning for our family. We are told that “it will get better with time”.  How can it? She is our daughter; we will never get over losing her. We rejoice knowing that she is one of God’s angels now, but we will never “get over it”. Jennifer, we love you so much and miss you even more. You are always in our hearts, on our minds, and will always be our baby girl, no matter your biological age…